Friday, November 6, 2009

burst.

i might have said this here before, but: the truth is rarely pure and never simple.


bursting at the seams. 


@xiner: hahahhaha it's still the same me, but slightly different. we all change, i suppose, but are always constituted of the same things.
@abel: you is rite! and yes, i am cheered. 
@gwen: (((((:
@logos: indeed, i am back to normal, but normalcy shall, for a long while yet, stay outside my reach
@celine: omg hello celine chia. you are very slow. 

Posted by Josh at 6:53 PM

Sunday, November 1, 2009

reasons

perhaps i've found them. whatever the case may be, at least they keep me going, for now.

Posted by Josh at 12:34 PM

Sunday, October 25, 2009

faith

Faith Is My Shield.

Posted by Josh at 8:57 PM

Saturday, October 24, 2009

it's like zero gravity

To quote a friend:
“under the big umbrella of deep thought, the happy branch is day dreaming, and the other branch is emo-ing”

I’ve been spacing out a bit more these few days, somehow, but today I had a sort of epiphany – that when I space out, the problems that I have to deal with and think about and mull over, are all very easily solved when you look at them objectively and with a positive mindset. God led me to someone who showed me how to get out of the maze, so now I know how to, even though I land back in it sometimes. So I no longer have to space out and worry about things, and cause people to think that I’m not okay or something, because they always see the ‘high’ me, so when they see the ‘not high’ me, they think something is wrong. But no longer! Life, here I come again!

To quote another friend of mine:
“why can’t it be easy?”

I suppose it’s because easy things tend to be taken for granted, no matter how much we try not to. We’re only human, after all. Things  bought without price sometimes can be taken for granted, like God’s gift, which sometimes I do take for granted. The same goes for life, for aims, for goals. If we get something for free, when we want it, as we want it, then is it really meaningful anymore? Like playing games, once you enter the God mode cheats, it becomes not enjoyable, because you’ve lost something, some part of that which makes us fully human and fully here. I suppose this applies to everything in life – hope, joy, love.

If we could feel happy as and when we wanted, if we could love and be loved in return as we liked, then perhaps we would not treasure those moments in which we truly feel happy, truly feel loved.

Posted by Josh at 12:23 AM

Thursday, October 22, 2009

staring out into the night

one day i will explode from sheer joy and love and happiness. i stand at my window and i look out and feel it rising in my chest like one huge shout or laugh waiting to tear me open from the inside and come roaring out and tinkling into stars in the night sky.

all in, today was a bad day, but a happy day. if only i knew not just the right words, what to say, but also how to say them.

@abel: it is! i can lend you my copy, if you like.

@louise: ((((((:

Posted by Josh at 12:28 AM

Monday, October 19, 2009

and it's only when i sleep

From Rushdie's Fury:

"Covetousness, adultery, lust, these things were anathematised. But where were the laws against the sins of improper omission? Thou Shalt Not Be an Absentee Father. Cometh to Thinkst of It, Thou Shalt Not Walk Out of Thy Life Without a Fucking Good Reason, Buster, and What You've Put Up So Far Doesn't Even Come Close. What Dost Thou Think? Thou Canst Do Any Goddamn Thing Thou Wantest? Who the Fuck Dost Thou Imagine Thou Ist: Hugh Hefner? The Dalai Lama? Donald Trump? At What the Sam Hill Art Thou Playing? Huh, bub? Huh???"

If love is one side of the coin, then the other is not hate, but loss. Not love and hate like i-love-chocolate-i-hate-broccoli, but if love is the ability to give your heart, then loss if having no-one to give it to. It is the capability of humans to lose, to feel empty, alone, insignificant. If love is standing atop the world and believing that you can do anything and everything, then loss is the exact opposite, the unquantifiable feeling of being nothing, of having nothing, of being unable, incapable, impotent. Sometimes it is sudden, leaving you standing, still unsure of what transpired, until it falls on you like a great wave, crushing, devastating, leaving your world to collapse around yourself. Other times, it is slow, a gradual understanding of something that will never and can never be, draining you slowly until you are empty, hollow, husk. Pain characterizes loss, a fully physical, heart-aching kind of pain, the kind that wrenches at you, leaving you curled up in a foetal ball, shuddering, silent, tearing. An immense sense of emptiness, dark, thick, heavy emptiness, emptiness with mass,with weight, weighing, squeezing, crushing, snapping bones from sockets, breaking spirit from self, leaving you helpless helpless helpless and in torment.

If love is man's capability for good, for innocence, for joy, then loss is our capability for evil, for pain, for gut-twisting sadness. In these dark beds the seeds of fury grow.

Posted by Josh at 10:56 PM

Sunday, October 18, 2009

that planet earth turns slowly

"'cause i get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs, as they try to teach me how to dance"


it's hard to be ruled entirely by your gut feeling, sometimes. it drives you to do some things, to not do other things, to have a bad feeling about some things, and good feelings about others, to dislike, to love, without rhyme or reason, without logic or rational thought. It's probably why i'm so scatter-brained, and so, what, flighty? unrealistic? happy-go-lucky?


i think hate and love are the two strongest emotions there are. it's impossible to ignore them when they come, they are, what, unstoppable forces, driving people to do things they wouldn't other wise do. Love makes the world go round, i suppose. I'm not so familiar with hate, i suppose, i don't particularly hate anything, i just kind of dislike certain things. When i experience real hate, i'll tell you. 


Love, on the other hand, is far more complex than hate. I suppose if hate is the raw, primordial driving force of man, then love is it's far more metaphysical, abstract, and, yet, potentially far more powerful sister. And, unlike the obvious distinctions between hate and dislike, love is far harder to differentiate. Love simple is. I suppose you could say i love easily? I treasure human contact, i love all my friends, which i suppose is why i keep hugging people or holding hands or whatever (sorry junsheng and ryan and kengchee i know sometimes you're totally weirded out by that). But yeah, i think it's just the way i am, or something. I'm not sure when i'll grow up, or whether i want to. I want to be able to love people simply because i can, to help people simply because i am able, to do things simply because i know how. Sometimes i feel that as we grow up we become jaded, disillusioned by life, we lose our innocence, then what we do is sometimes overcast by ulterior motives, or personal gain. I've been told that being defined by others, helping other people to their happiness at the expense of my own, makes me "f-ed up", but, i'm not sure. Am i being realistic? am i hoping for too much? is the world really beyond my small, insignificant understanding? perhaps. 


love makes us feel invincible, makes us feel like we can do anything, that we stand atop the world and change it, makes us feel like we can do whatever we want simply because there is joy in the world, it gives us faith in humanity, gives us hope, gives us something to look forward to, gives us life, meaning, purpose, definition. it can be loud, flashy, the kind that spreads wherever it goes like wildflowers and butterflies, or the quiet, powerful intensity that changes the world around it in so many unseen ways. 


i'm being flighty again, with my head in the clouds. But hope is something that can never die. 




@abel: MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER *hugs*

Posted by Josh at 12:24 AM